A Comic History of the United States

In Short

This Gilded Age satire rewrites the history of the United States as an absurd farce. Moving chronologically from Christopher Columbus’s initial sighting of the New World through early colonial settlements, the Revolutionary War, and the presidency up to the 1876 Centennial, the narrative systematically lampoons national myths and revered figures. By recasting iconic moments through slapstick humor, exaggerated logic, and comic illustrations, it strips pomposity from historical orthodoxy. The work endures as a vivid artifact of late-nineteenth-century American humor, showcasing the era's fondness for burlesque, irreverent parody, and sharp, tongue-in-cheek institutional skepticism.

The Story

The narrative begins on the open seas in September 1492, where Christopher Columbus scans the horizon and mistakes the vast expanse of the New World for a colossal apple dumpling. After obtaining permission from Queen Isabella to explore at his own expense, Columbus triggers a flurry of competitive exploration, opening the doors for figures like Americus Vespucius to publish sensationalized accounts of their own voyages.

Settlement follows a century later as a "London company" dispatches a ship full of reluctant bachelors to Virginia in 1606. They establish Jamestown in a wilderness overrun by wildlife and mosquitoes, where Captain John Smith survives a near-fatal encounter with Chief Powhatan thanks to the sudden intervention of Pocahontas—an incident the narrative quips has sixteen identical "authentic" spots in Virginia. Colonial expansion continues as the Pilgrim Fathers sail aboard the May Flour in 1620, landing at Plymouth in search of religious freedom, while dissenters like Roger Williams are promptly banished from Massachusetts for holding the "heretical" view that all religious sects ought to be tolerated. Other colonies take shape under similarly absurd circumstances: Connecticut preserves its charter inside a hollow oak tree, where Captain Wadsworth passes four years of hiding by whittling and eating wooden nutmegs, while New Jersey emerges as a buzzing swamp dominated by bloodthirsty mosquitoes and organ-grinding Italian barons.

As the colonies grow, international rivalry brews along the Mississippi, where French adventurers hunt giant bull-frogs, only to be devoured by local alligators or crowded out by English merchants setting up competing horse-railway lines. Tensions between the American colonies and Great Britain culminate over restrictive Navigation Acts and tea taxes. The American Revolution erupts into chaos at the Battle of Bunker Hill, where General Bunker fires his own false teeth at the redcoats after running out of musket balls and coat buttons. Thomas Jefferson drafts the Declaration of Independence in 1776, George Washington famously crosses the Delaware to surprise his enemies at Trenton, and General Burgoyne’s army surrenders at Saratoga after being reduced to a weak diet of mineral water.

Following independence, the focus shifts to the presidency and the evolution of the republic. George Washington performs admirably, while subsequent leaders leave distinctly eccentric marks: John Quincy Adams whitewashes the Executive Mansion, giving birth to the White House; Andrew Jackson fiercely defends the Constitution while climbing trees for hickory nuts; and Andrew Johnson "swings around the circle" making ill-advised speeches after returning to his tailor’s goose. Industrial inventions, Mormonism, equestrian statues, and tourist sites like Niagara Falls and the Mammoth Cave round out the nation’s growth, bringing the narrative up to the minute in 1876.

How It Unfolds

The new world looms Christopher Columbus spot-checks the horizon in September 1492, mistakes America for a gigantic apple dumpling, and sets off a frenzy of competing transatlantic voyages.

Jamestown and the Pilgrims English bachelors settle Virginia amid hordes of mosquitoes, Captain John Smith dodges execution via Pocahontas, and the May Flour dumps the Pilgrims onto Plymouth Rock in 1820.

Dissension and wooden nutmegs Roger Williams is exiled from Massachusetts for advocating broad religious tolerance, while Captain Wadsworth survives four years in a hollow tree by inventing and consuming wooden nutmegs.

The French and the frogs French settlers along the Mississippi devote their energies to hunting massive bull-frogs, frequently mistaking aggressive alligators for prized game until English rivals push them out.

Buttons, teeth, and liberty The Revolutionary War breaks out as colonial forces resort to firing uniform buttons and silver-mounted dentures at British soldiers during the frantic Battle of Bunker Hill.

Presidents and policy Eighteen chief executives guide the young nation through growth and misadventure, ranging from Andrew Jackson swearing by the "eternal JINGO" to Andrew Johnson clashing bitterly with Congress.

Progress and wonders The book closes with an inventory of national oddities, featuring anti-setting hen contraptions, Brigham Young's extensive wedding trips, and the overwhelming, word-defying majesty of Niagara Falls.

The People

• Christopher Columbus: An adventurous, seafaring Spaniard driven by an overwhelming urge to see the world. He seeks royal permission to sail westward, spots the New World from the rigging, and secures eternal glory despite others taking credit.
• Captain John Smith: A resilient Virginian pioneer who constantly finds himself in perilous entanglements. He survives captivity under Powhatan, escapes execution through Pocahontas’s intervention, and governs the Jamestown colony until a bad neck boil forces his departure.
• Roger Williams: A stubborn dissenter banished from Massachusetts for harboring the radical idea that all Christian denominations deserve protection. He escapes to Narragansett Bay to build the colony of Providence alongside local tribes.
• General Bunker: A resourceful American military commander who leads his troops at Bunker Hill. When his army runs out of musket balls and uniform buttons, he courageously hurls his own false teeth at the enemy.
• Andrew Jackson: The rugged Seventh President of the United States, affectionately nicknamed "Old Hickory." He thrives on a simple diet of hickory nuts, possesses a fiery tongue, and passionately swears to preserve the Constitution at all costs.
• Andrew Johnson: A tailor-turned-president who struggles through a turbulent post-war administration. He clashes repeatedly with Congress over his controversial political "policy" before happily returning to his tailor's iron.

In Its Own Voice

"The sun was just sinking below the western horizon on the evening of September 11th, 1492, when a respectably dressed personage of sea-faring appearance might have been seen occupying an elevated position in the rigging of a Spanish ship, and gazing intently out over a vast expanse of salt water upon what at first sight appeared to be an apple dumpling of colossal proportions, but which upon more careful inspection subsequently turned out to be a NEW WORLD."

Columbus makes his momentous first observation of the American continent from the high rigging of his flagship.

"The brave Bunker, when his stock of buttons gave out, bethought him of his false teeth. He removed them from his mouth, and with fire in his eye and a horse-pistol in his right hand, (holding on his buttonless uniform with his left,) he turned upon the enemy a galling fire of 'store' teeth, and every one of them took effect, making sixteen of the red-coats bite the dust."

The author describes the desperate, unconventional tactics employed by American officers during the Battle of Bunker Hill.

What It's Really About

Beneath its slapstick humor and exaggerated anecdotes, the book acts as a satire of national myth-making and official historical narratives. By presenting major events through a lens of total absurdity, it questions the solemnity with which nations construct their origin stories. It pokes fun at the vanity of explorers, the hypocrisy of early religious settlers, and the clumsy self-interest of politicians. The text suggests that human progress is rarely a grand, dignified march forward; instead, it is an erratic series of accidents, misunderstandings, and opportunistic scrambles. By treating revered founding moments with playful irreverence, it invites readers to laugh at the frailties, eccentricities, and stubborn contradictions that underpin the American democratic experiment.

Why Read It Today

This text will delight fans of satire, historical parodies, and nineteenth-century American humor. Reading it offers an entertaining glimpse into Gilded Age popular culture, revealing what made everyday readers laugh during the 1876 Centennial celebration. The prose carries a lively, conversational cadence filled with sharp wit, absurd visual gags, and deliberate anachronisms that give historical figures a disarmingly modern sensibility.

Modern readers should be prepared for its distinctly period style. The humor relies heavily on nineteenth-century cultural references, forgotten political scandals, and deadpan exaggeration. Furthermore, the text reflects common 1870s caricatures and attitudes regarding Native Americans, immigrant groups, and regional stereotypes, which may feel dated or unpalatable to contemporary sensibilities. For those interested in the history of American comedy, however, it remains a fascinating and spirited example of early literary irreverence.