Dirty Work for Doughgod

In Short

This story is a humorous Western tall tale centering on four cowhands—Chuck, Muley, Telescope, and Henry—who work for the Cross J outfit. When their boss, “Doughgod” Smith, accidentally hires a female teacher despite the local school board’s strict "no women" policy, the men attempt to intervene, leading to a botched kidnapping, a runaway team, and a series of absurd confrontations. It endures as a lighthearted piece of pulp fiction that captures the irreverent, dialogue-heavy, and chaotic spirit of early twentieth-century Western storytelling.

The Story

The conflict begins in the town of Paradise, where a school board composed of stubborn men—Mike Pelly and J. B. Whittaker—declares that no female teachers will be allowed in their town. Despite this, their associate Doughgod Smith has already inadvertently hired a woman from Great Falls. Panic ensues, and the four main characters, seeking to protect their social world while navigating the absurdity of the trustees' decree, decide they must intercept the woman at the train station to send her away.

The plan falls apart immediately. Upon meeting the woman, the cowhands bungle the interaction, causing a team of horses to run away with her in a buckboard. Fearing the worst, the men chase after the runaway, only to tumble into a river and accidentally run into another acquaintance, Wick Smith, who is hauling dynamite. In the resulting chaos, the men lose sight of the woman entirely and spend the next day wandering the countryside, nursing injuries and nursing a grudge against the perceived "bad luck" of their failed scheme.

Believing they are doing the right thing, the men eventually return to the station, find the woman, and force her onto another train with the remaining funds they have pooled together. However, their relief is short-lived. A new station agent arrives, brandishing a shotgun and accusing the four men of kidnapping his wife—the woman they just sent away. The cowhands narrowly escape a shootout and flee into the hills, only to discover that the woman was never supposed to stay in Paradise in the first place, as she had already secured a better job elsewhere. Returning to the ranch, they find a note from their boss, J. B. Whittaker, revealing that he has already retrieved their horses. The men collapse at the bunkhouse, exhausted, only to be told by Mike Pelly that the board has changed its mind and will accept a female teacher after all. The story concludes with the group accepting the futility of their interference, left only with the physical toll of their "dirty work."

How It Unfolds

The trustee ultimatum Mike Pelly and J. B. Whittaker formally ban women from teaching in Paradise, citing the risk of lovestruck cowboys. Doughgod Smith reveals he has already invited a teacher, setting up the central conflict.

The botched reception The four protagonists wait at the depot to intercept the incoming teacher. Their amateurish attempt to handle the situation leads to a runaway buckboard and a chaotic scramble through the river.

The wilderness fallout The men wander the landscape, losing their horses and getting tangled in a series of accidents involving dynamite and alcohol. They spend the night in the brush, limping and bickering as their camaraderie breaks down.

The final expulsion The men return to the train station and force the woman to leave, thinking they are maintaining their "duty." They are immediately confronted by her husband, the station agent, who reveals the true nature of their crime.

The anticlimax The cowhands flee the sheriff and the agent, eventually returning to the ranch. They find that the trustees have reversed their policy, rendering the entire ordeal—and the men's physical suffering—completely unnecessary.

The People

• Chuck Warner is a short-legged, self-proclaimed "Ananias the Second" who refuses to tell the truth. He is the group’s primary strategist, though his schemes are consistently disastrous.
• Telescope Tolliver is an exceptionally tall man with a distorted sense of honor. He is prone to grand, loud arguments that often escalate the group's problems.
• Muley Bowles is a massive, two-hundred-and-forty-pound man who views the world through a lens of melodramatic poetry. He is perpetually sentimental, even in the face of danger.
• Henry Clay Peck acts as the narrator, a man who plays the banjo and follows orders, documenting the group's descent into chaos while maintaining a detached, cynical view of their collective failure.
• Doughgod Smith serves as the catalyst; his inability to say no to a woman creates the initial problem, and his skittish behavior drives the men to perform their ill-fated "dirty work."

In Its Own Voice

“No, sir,” says Mike Pelly. “No more female teachers for Paradise. ’Cause why? ’Cause all the fool punchers fall in love with her and ruin her educational qualities—that’s why.”

Mike Pelly explains the board's rigid, misogynistic stance that sets the entire plot into motion.

“You’re three lovely old joy-killers, Doughgod,” says Chuck. “Regular old race-suiciders.”

Chuck confronts Doughgod Smith for his clumsy handling of the school board's hiring process.

“Love is a fleeting flower that fleeted away from me, like a tumble-weed in a cyclone adrift on a Wintry sea.”

Muley Bowles recites one of his characteristic, melancholy poems while the group is supposedly on an urgent rescue mission.

What It's Really About

The story explores the absurdity of rigid social codes and the futility of men trying to control their environment. The characters are governed by an outdated, manufactured sense of "cowboy honor" that forces them to protect a status quo that nobody actually benefits from. The central irony is that the men’s attempt to preserve their way of life—a life supposedly threatened by the presence of a woman—only results in their own humiliation and physical ruin. Ultimately, it is a commentary on how quickly male ego and performative stoicism can devolve into incompetence when confronted with reality.

Why Read It Today

This story is a quintessential example of early-century Western humor, characterized by its rapid-fire dialogue and a tone of relentless, self-deprecating irony. If you appreciate the cadence of old-fashioned "yarns"—where the prose feels like a conversation in a saloon—you will likely enjoy the rhythm of this narrative. It does not take itself seriously, and the humor is derived entirely from the characters’ inability to recognize their own incompetence.

However, readers should be aware that the story is deeply rooted in its time. The period attitudes toward women are central to the plot; the characters are explicitly misogynistic, and the story’s humor relies on the objectification of the female lead as a "problem" to be moved around like a chess piece. The dialect and the casual, often rough treatment of the characters may feel abrasive to modern sensibilities. If you can read it as a historical artifact that highlights the absurdity of the "cowboy myth," you will find it a fast, entertaining, and sharply observed satire of masculine posturing. What remains with you is not the plot, but the vivid, chaotic energy of four men trying, and failing, to be the heroes of their own ridiculous story.