Magpie—diplomat

In Short

This Western tall tale follows two drifters, Magpie Simpkins and Ike Harper, as they stumble upon the mayor, treasurer, and sheriff of the town of Pinto. These three men are hiding from their wives, who have been incensed by a series of romantic misunderstandings involving mail-order brides. Magpie, a self-styled diplomat, attempts to "fix" the situation with a series of elaborate, tall-tale falsehoods. The story captures the irreverent, fast-talking spirit of early 20th-century pulp fiction, relying on regional dialect and a dry, observational humor that favors absurdity over realism.

The Story

The narrative begins on a dusty road where Magpie Simpkins and his companion Ike Harper encounter three men—Tex, Cold Deck, and Peevee—sitting on boulders in a state of utter dejection. These men are the officials of the nearby mining camp, Pinto. They explain their predicament: in a misguided attempt to secure a schoolteacher, they sent out for mail-order brides but accidentally swapped their own photographs. When the prospective wives arrived in town, they discovered the deception and turned on their intended husbands with shotguns and pistols.

Magpie, claiming expertise in "diplomacy," decides to intervene. He and Ike visit the wives, spinning elaborate, false accounts of how their respective husbands have died—by hanging, scalping, or snakebite—hoping to generate sympathy. The wives, however, respond with cold indifference or dark humor, leaving the men even more terrified of returning home.

Meanwhile, three other transients—Slim, Andy, and Weinie—arrive in Pinto and begin causing trouble, selling fake mining claims and rigging poker games. Magpie, continuing his "diplomacy," tells them that the three disgruntled mail-order brides are actually wealthy eastern heiresses. This sparks a new wave of interest in the women, and the trio of troublemakers manages to buy the official positions of the town’s original leaders. Tex, Cold Deck, and Peevee, relieved to be rid of their duties and their domestic troubles, depart the town to search for "peace" in the hills.

The story concludes with Magpie and Ike heading back toward their home in Piperock. Along the way, they find the three new officials—Slim, Andy, and Weinie—sitting on the same boulders where the previous group had been found, now looking equally miserable and defeated. They, too, are fleeing Pinto, having presumably fallen victim to the same domestic traps. Magpie and Ike simply keep walking, leaving the cycle of misery to continue in the town behind them.

How It Unfolds

The encounter on the boulders Magpie and Ike meet the three town officials, who introduce themselves as the mayor, sheriff, and treasurer of Pinto. The men explain that their attempt to recruit a schoolteacher through the mail has backfired spectacularly, resulting in three very angry, armed wives.

The mission of mercy Magpie decides to use "diplomacy" to help the men and visits the wives to deliver false news of their husbands' tragic demises. His attempts at manipulation fail entirely, as the wives prove far more resilient and less sentimental than he expected.

The arrival of the opportunists Three new men enter Pinto and begin disrupting the town's delicate ecosystem through swindling and gambling. Magpie convinces these men that the women are wealthy heiresses, prompting them to take over the local government offices.

The flight of the officials Tex, Cold Deck, and Peevee abandon their posts and escape into the hills, seeking quiet and safety. They meet Magpie and Ike again, confirming they have traded their authority for freedom from their wives.

The cycle continues Magpie and Ike encounter the new officials sitting on the same boulders, defeated by the same domestic pressures. The travelers, opting to avoid further "diplomacy," continue their journey, leaving the men to their fate.

The People

Magpie Simpkins is a loquacious and confident traveler who prides himself on his ability to "read" situations. He views himself as a diplomat, though his "diplomacy" is entirely composed of creative, often absurd lies. He is the engine of the story’s plot, though his interventions rarely result in anything other than more confusion.

Ike Harper acts as the narrator and the grounded foil to Magpie. While he admires Magpie’s audacity as a liar, he remains a skeptical observer who recognizes the absurdity of their actions. He is more content to watch the chaos than to actively create it.

Tex, Cold Deck, and Peevee are the original officials of Pinto. They start as pathetic figures, cowed by their wives and their own poor decision-making. By the end, they achieve a form of liberation by simply quitting their jobs and walking away, trading their status for peace.

The New Trio (Slim, Andy, and Weinie) are the antagonists who arrive to stir up the town. They are motivated by greed and opportunism, but their eagerness to marry the women Magpie describes as "heiresses" leads to their inevitable downfall, putting them in the exact same position as their predecessors.

In Its Own Voice

“Holy mackerel!” sez Magpie. “If I was in Alaska I’d remark that some amatoor had tried to make three totem poles, but in this neck of th’ timber I’d say--gosh, Ike, them’s uh sad trio.”

(Magpie expresses his initial reaction to the three dejected officials sitting on the road.)

“Uh man oughta be uh man among men. Am I right, Tex?”

(Peevee Jack Skinner attempts to rationalize his desire to abandon his domestic life.)

“I’m uh reg’lar real-estater. I’ll sell anything!”

(Weinie Lopp explains his opportunistic business model to Magpie and Ike.)

What It's Really About

The story explores the tension between masculine bravado and domestic reality in the American West. It suggests that the "official" structures of a frontier town—mayors, treasurers, and sheriffs—are inherently flimsy, as easily traded as a mining claim or a saloon. Underlying the humor is a cynical view of human nature: people are easily driven by greed and the promise of wealth, and social roles are merely costumes that men wear until they become too heavy. The "diplomacy" Magpie practices is a metaphor for the way legends are built in the West—through tall tales that replace reality to make life seem more manageable or meaningful than it actually is.

Why Read It Today

Readers who enjoy the colorful, rhythmic vernacular of early 20th-century Western fiction will find this a quick and amusing read. It captures a specific style of American storytelling that relies on deadpan irony and the "tall tale" tradition. The prose is filled with a distinctive dialect that gives the story a rustic, authentic flavor, though it may take a few paragraphs for modern readers to find their footing.

It is important to acknowledge that the book reflects the attitudes of its 1917 publication date. The depictions of the female characters are archetypal and limited, and the humor is derived from a very specific, traditional perspective on marriage and gender roles. There is no deep character development here; the people function more like cartoon characters in a landscape of shifting loyalties. However, for those interested in the evolution of the Western genre, this provides a window into the breezy, cynical pulp style of the era. It feels less like a structured novel and more like a long, campfire yarn told by someone who is clearly having a bit of fun at his audience's expense. You will likely walk away remembering the image of men sitting on boulders, forever trading their authority for a chance to escape their own poor decisions.