Miss Civilization: A Comedy in One Act

In Short

Miss Civilization is a suspenseful, witty play centered on Alice Gardner, the daughter of a railroad tycoon. When three burglars break into her Long Island home just after Christmas, Alice manages to keep them occupied by feigning hospitality until the "wrecking train" she summoned by telephone arrives to capture them. It is a taut, character-driven piece that pits the quick-witted, modern woman against the fumbling, self-important criminal class. The play remains a charming study of nerves and social poise, enduring as a lighthearted, well-structured example of early 20th-century American theater.

The Story

The play opens in darkness on a cold, snowy night in the Gardner estate. Alice Gardner, having heard the sounds of an attempted break-in, calmly uses the telephone to summon a "wrecking train"—an emergency rail crew—from the local station. She instructs the station agent to surround the house and blow three whistles when the police and crew have arrived. Just as she finishes, her ailing mother calls out from upstairs. Alice successfully covers for the noise, insisting she was only looking for a book, before returning to the dining room to confront the intruders.

Three burglars—Hatch, "Grand Stand" Harry, and the tough, red-haired "Reddy"—enter through the window, tools in hand. They begin to pack up the Christmas silver and jewelry, unaware that Alice is watching from the shadows. When they finally stop to eat, Alice emerges. With remarkable composure, she reprimands them for being "stupid" and "unsociable," offering to serve them better food and cigars while keeping them talking to ensure they do not leave before her reinforcements arrive.

The burglars, initially stunned, find themselves drawn into a bizarre conversation. Alice critiques their lack of professional success and mocks their claims of being "famous" criminals, comparing them unfavorably to legitimate figures of achievement like Robert Peary or Admiral Dewey. Despite their threats to gag and tie her up, Alice remains in control, using her wit to keep them seated at the table. She even manages to shame them when they reveal they have stolen a sentimental locket belonging to a neighbor, a woman grieving the loss of a child.

As the night deepens, the burglars grow restless and suspicious. Hatch, the leader, becomes increasingly irritated by Alice’s "civilized" demeanor and commands Harry to cut the telephone wires. Alice manages to delay them, but Hatch eventually loses patience and decides it is time to silence her. Just as the men move to restrain her, the distant sound of three locomotive whistles pierces the air.

Alice, triumphant, reveals that her "wrecking train" has arrived. The burglars realize they are trapped by the very civilization they sought to subvert. As they panic and try to flee, the police and a crowd of railroad workers swarm the house. The masks are ripped away, exposing the notorious gang members. As the intruders are taken into custody, the adrenaline-fueled Alice finally succumbs to the strain, fainting into the arms of the Police Captain as the curtain falls.

How It Unfolds

The silent alarm Alice realizes the house is being breached and manages to place a daring, whispered phone call to the local train station. She insists the crew arrive immediately, threatening the station agent with the loss of his job if he fails to surround the house.

The unexpected hostess The burglars enter the dining room and begin looting, eventually deciding to pause for a meal. Alice walks into the room, calm and polite, effectively turning the scene of a robbery into a tense supper party.

The debate on fame Alice engages the men in a conversation about their "profession," challenging their claims of being famous. She argues that their life of crime is fundamentally stupid and isolated from the civilized world.

The shift in power Hatch attempts to regain control by threatening to gag Alice and cutting the telephone wires. Alice holds her ground, using her mother's illness as a shield to keep the men from causing a scene.

The arrival of the train Three locomotive whistles signal the arrival of the crew and the police. The burglars realize they have been outplayed by Alice’s strategic stalling.

The final confrontation The police and workers burst into the dining room, ending the standoff. The masks are removed, the criminals are identified, and Alice, having successfully defended her home, finally collapses from exhaustion.

The People

Alice Gardner is the play’s moral and intellectual center. She is unflappable, sharp-tongued, and deeply protective of her mother. Her goal is to keep the intruders distracted and quiet until help arrives; she is successful because she views the burglars not as terrifying threats, but as "barbarians" who are out of step with the modern world.

"Uncle" Joseph Hatch is the leader of the gang. He fancies himself a professional with a reputation, yet he is easily managed by Alice’s condescension. He views himself as a clever outlaw, but his inability to see through Alice's ruse reveals a prideful, short-sighted nature.

"Brick" Meakin (Reddy) provides the play’s comic relief. He is a stereotypical "Bowery tough" with a massive appetite and a penchant for complaining about the quality of the food he finds. He is the most easily distracted of the three.

"Grand Stand" Harry is the younger, more sentimental member of the group. He is described as "tender-hearted," a trait that complicates his criminal activities and makes him the most susceptible to Alice’s social maneuvering.

In Its Own Voice

Alice explains her strategy to the burglars, framing their life of crime as a losing battle against the systems of modern life:

"You're barbarians, and there's no place for you in a civilized community--except in jail."

When the burglars boast about their status as criminals, Alice points out the absurdity of their pride:

"I can understand a man's risking twenty years of his life for some things--a man like Peary or Dewey, or Santos-Dumont."

As the police arrive to finally arrest the gang, Alice asserts the power of her plan:

"It means that while you sat drinking there, Civilization was racing toward you at seventy miles an hour!"

What It's Really About

The central argument of the play is that the criminal element is not a grand, romantic entity, but an "old-fashioned" and ultimately petty nuisance that cannot survive in a world defined by technology, communication, and social order. Alice represents the new century—civilized, connected, and capable. By using the telephone and the railroad to trap the burglars, she demonstrates that the modern world is too tightly organized for the "barbaric" lone wolf to prosper. The play suggests that the true power of the individual lies in poise and intelligence, which easily overcome the brute, unthinking force of the lawless.

Why Read It Today

Miss Civilization is a delightful, fast-paced read for those who enjoy "home invasion" stories flipped on their head. It feels like a precursor to the modern screwball comedy, where the wit is sharper than the weapons. You will likely enjoy the interplay between Alice’s aristocratic composure and the burglars' clumsy attempts to maintain their tough-guy personas. It is quite short, making it an excellent choice for a single sitting, and the dialogue remains remarkably brisk and playful even over a century later.

However, readers should be aware of the period language, including the "Bowery" dialect used by the character Reddy and the dated, stereotypical depictions of toughs and criminals. There is also a distinct sense of class hierarchy, as Alice’s authority is derived from her status as the daughter of a railroad president. While these attitudes are clearly a product of the early 1900s, they don't detract from the central tension of the plot. What stays with you is the image of Alice—a woman who, rather than cowering in fear, decides to treat her home invaders like unwelcome, boorish dinner guests. It is an enduring portrait of someone who keeps their head exactly when everyone else would lose it.