Perfect Behavior: A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in All Social Crises

In Short

Perfect Behavior is a deadpan parody of formal etiquette guides, walking readers through every major social occasion of early twentieth-century upper-middle-class life. Arranged as a step-by-step instructional manual, it covers everything from courtship, weddings, and rail travel to opera attendance, prohibition-era drinking, and schoolgirl comportment. Instead of offering genuine advice, Donald Ogden Stewart subverts every traditional rule with surreal violence, ridiculous practical jokes, and absurd non-sequiturs. It endures as a sharp satire of social anxiety, class pretension, and the rigid absurdity of polite society.

The Story

The book opens with "The Etiquette of Courtship," offering precise instructions on how a gentleman must navigate initial introductions, send flowers with bizarre hidden meanings, and survive the terrifying gauntlet of meeting a young woman’s family. Stewart details the ideal call upon a prospective sweetheart, complete with aggressive guard dogs, sleepy grandfathers, and intrusive grandmothers, culminating in a proper proposal. From there, the book moves into "The Etiquette of Engagements and Weddings," systematically dissecting the commercialization and madness of matrimony. It provides exhaustive lists for selecting appropriate bridesmaids and ushers based on their drinking habits or social clout, alongside practical schemes for brides to profit off their wedding showers and memory tricks for grading wedding presents based on monetary value.

As the couple moves out into the world, "The Etiquette of Travel" offers guidance for navigating streetcars, subways, and overnight Pullman sleeper cars. Readers learn how to properly annoy conductors, undress in an upper berth in five rapid acrobatic counts, and handle awkward social encounters on foot. The focus then shifts to cultural gatherings in "At the Concert and the Opera," where the author reveals that genuine musical appreciation is unnecessary so long as one knows two basic facts: that the Russian letter "w" sounds like a "v," and that Rachmaninoff has a daughter at Vassar.

The middle chapters branch out into specific subcultures and social duties. "Etiquette for Dry Agents" provides tactical advice for Federal Prohibition enforcement officers on how to dress up as Cleopatra or a fellow partygoer to raid masquerade balls. "A Chapter for Schoolgirls" guides young ladies through boarding school homesickness, bad roommates, and tactical letters written to keep parents from visiting.

Moving into leisure, "The Etiquette of Games and Sports" explores family picnics that devolve into car repairs, informal Hallowe'en games involving flying dumb-bells, and the emerging national pastime of home drinking under Prohibition. "Correspondence and Invitations" details sample letters for every occasion, including public versus private political correspondence and invitations to bearded ladies. Finally, "The Etiquette of Dinners and Balls" addresses formal dining rules and ballroom dances, concluding with instructions on how a desperate young gentleman can escape an undesirable dance partner by gently pushing her off a three-hundred-foot bridge.

How It Unfolds

The pursuit begins A young man initiates courtship by sending flowers whose hidden symbolic messages convey mundane or absurd statements, followed by an agonizing visit to the young lady’s home where he must dodge her dog and converse with her eccentric relatives.

The wedding logistics The book outlines the strict requirements for choosing a bridal party, organizing profitable showers, and navigating church ceremony chaos, complete with rhythmically challenged ushers and forgotten altar candles.

Transit and culture Instructions are provided for public transit and night trains, followed by a guide to faking musical expertise at orchestra concerts and opera houses through prepackaged snobbery and strategic exits.

Prohibition and academy life The guide instructs Prohibition agents on disguises for raiding high-society parties, while simultaneously offering boarding school girls advice on handling unappealing roommates and writing deceptive letters home.

Social sports and gatherings Stewart details the grueling dynamics of family motor picnics, dangerous Hallowe'en parlor games, and the rigid new rules of formal post-prohibition drinking parties.

Letters and formal balls The manual concludes with sample correspondence for public officials and hostesses, finishing with ballroom etiquette and extreme strategies for handling the dreaded "stag line."

The People

• The Suitor / Young Gentleman: An earnest, socially anxious man trying to follow polite rules, who repeatedly finds himself bitten by dogs, ignored by dance partners, and stranded with terrible companions.
• Miss Doe: The ideal young lady of courtship, who remains elusive while her suitor is forced to entertain her bizarre extended family in the parlor.
• Grampaw and Grandmother Doe: Representatives of the older generation; Grampaw sits asleep while his biting dog roams, and Grandmother interrogates visitors about synthetic gin and local obituaries.
• The Dry Agent (Isador Eisenberg): A prohibition officer tasked with raiding society parties, who must balance law enforcement with choosing the right masquerade costume.
• Jeannette: A boarding school student who writes masterfully passive-aggressive letters to her parents to keep them from visiting her at school.
• The South Orange Visitor: An unfortunate dance partner at a ball whom the host tries desperately to offload onto his friends before resorting to drastic measures.

In Its Own Voice

"A bouquet composed of three tuberoses and some Virginia creeper generally signifies the following, 'The reason I didn't call for you yesterday was that I had three inner tube punctures, besides a lot of engine trouble in that old car I bought in Virginia last year.'"

"An usher should also remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as 'Something in a dotted Swiss?' or 'Third aisle over—second pew—next the ribbon goods,' are decidedly non au fait."

"Sides are chosen—usually with the husbands on one 'team' and the wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the 'husbands' team' to try to drink up all the 'It's' liquor before the 'wives' team' can get them to go home."

What It's Really About

Beneath its slapstick surface, Perfect Behavior targets the intense middle-class anxieties surrounding status, social climbing, and artificial decorum in 1920s America. Stewart satirizes the absurdity of blindly following prescriptive etiquette manuals that treat arbitrary social rules as matters of life and death. The book highlights the deep hypocrisy of Jazz Age morality, contrasting formal manners with the reality of illegal Prohibition drinking, transactional marriages, and snobbish social gatekeeping. By turning polite social situations into absurd physical threats or schemes for financial gain, Stewart argues that behind the polished facade of high society lies pure self-interest, awkwardness, and chaos.

Why Read It Today

Perfect Behavior remains an extraordinarily funny artifact of 1920s American humor. Readers who enjoy dry satire, deadpan parody, and vintage comedy will appreciate Stewart's flawless mimicry of instructional prose. Reading the book feels like flipping through a pristine, dignified manual on decorum, only to find that every third paragraph devolves into utter nonsense or surreal slapstick.

Modern readers should be aware that the book is deeply rooted in its era. It relies on casual period references, outdated social structures, and vintage slang from the Prohibition age. A few jokes feature light ethnic stereotypes typical of early 1920s commercial comedy, though the main target of the book's mockery remains the wealthy Anglo-American establishment. Despite these period elements, the core humor—the universal awkwardness of small talk, bad dates, terrible parties, and forced family gatherings—feels surprisingly modern and relentlessly entertaining.