Pie for Magpie

In Short

This story follows Magpie Simpkins, a man whose love for a "cinch bet" leads him to wager he can live off the land for thirty days with nothing but his bare skin and his wits. His partner, Ike, narrates the ensuing farce as the Medicine Hills become an accidental stage for bumbling professors, stray dogs, and local eccentrics. It has endured because it perfectly captures the spirit of the tall tale—a blend of sharp dialogue, slapstick, and a deep-seated affection for the ridiculousness of human nature.

The Story

The trouble begins in a cabin on Plenty Stone Creek when Magpie Simpkins, a tall, talkative dreamer, reads a magazine article about a man who survived in the wilderness with nothing. Egged on by his neighbor, Tellurium Woods—a man who carries his own loaded dice—Magpie bets one hundred dollars that he can do the same. Ike, his weary partner, serves as the unwilling stakeholder.

No sooner does Magpie limp into the woods to embrace his "Nature" experiment than a bizarre caravan arrives at the cabin. It is led by Professor Phinney and his friend, Doctor Doolittle. These two men have traveled from afar to prove their own theories about health and rejuvenation by living in the wild. When they ask for Magpie, Ike, panicking to protect the secret bet, claims Magpie was killed by a grizzly bear. The news is met with equal parts horror and morbid curiosity by the Professor’s wife and daughter, Angeline.

The chaos compounds when the Professor and the Doctor head into the timber, stripping down to their "natural" states, save for the Professor’s shoes and a single string and hook for fishing. Back at the cabin, the women are terrorized by tales of "braying grizzlies" and phantom wild men. Meanwhile, Mighty Jones, a man obsessed with his motley pack of hounds, begins hunting a "wild man" he has spotted in the woods.

As the days pass, the forest becomes a trap for the over-ambitious. Magpie, failing to thrive on nature alone, steals food and clothes from others. The Doctor and the Professor find their attempt at primitive life miserable and cold. The climax arrives when, through a series of mishaps involving a drugged pie, a stolen hearse, and a pack of hounds, the various parties collide. The Professor and Doctor are discovered huddled inside an abandoned hearse, shivering and humiliated, while Magpie, Tellurium, and Mighty Jones are exposed for their various schemes. The sheriff arrives to find a scene of total confusion, and the "nature experts" decide that modern life—and trousers—are preferable to their theories. The story ends with a weary resignation: the bets are voided, the "wild men" are reclaimed by society, and the characters are left to reflect on the folly of thinking they could ever outsmart the wild.

How It Unfolds

The wager is struck Magpie and Tellurium fall into a debate over a magazine article, resulting in a reckless bet that pulls their unwilling partner, Ike, into a signed agreement. Magpie sets off into the Medicine Hills, leaving the cabin quiet until a new, unexpected group of city visitors arrives.

The pilgrims arrive Professor Phinney and Doctor Doolittle appear, seeking to test their own theories of wilderness survival. Ike desperately invents a story about a grizzly bear to explain Magpie’s disappearance, only to find the guests are far more invested in the "experiment" than he anticipated.

The farce deepens The Professor and the Doctor head into the woods, while the women left behind are subjected to Ike’s tall tales about the dangers of the hills. Mighty Jones arrives with his chaotic pack of hounds, convinced he is tracking a mysterious wild man.

The collision The various threads intersect when an old hearse becomes an unlikely sanctuary for the shivering, naked intellectuals. The sheriff arrives, the "wild man" is revealed to be Tellurium Woods, and the true source of the chaos—an inedible, drugged pie—is brought to light.

The People

Magpie Simpkins is the engine of the story, a man who views life as a series of opportunities to prove his own brilliance. His arrogance is matched only by his endurance, yet he is ultimately a victim of his own schemes.

Ike Harper serves as the voice of reason, though he is often forced to participate in the lunacy to survive it. He wants nothing more than to be left alone, but his loyalty to Magpie keeps him anchored to the madness.

The Professor and the Doctor are classic foils: men of high intellect who possess absolutely no common sense. They view the wilderness as a laboratory, and their failure to thrive is both a source of comedy and a sharp critique of the era’s "back to nature" intellectual trends.

Tellurium Woods provides the story's grit. He is just as conniving as Magpie, and his desire to win a "cinch bet" drives the final confrontation.

Mighty Jones rounds out the cast as a man so obsessed with his hobby of hunting that he loses all perspective, providing the erratic energy that eventually forces the plot to its breaking point.

In Its Own Voice

The author’s ear for the colorful, weary, and dry tone of the West shines through his dialogue.

"If it is true that it takes all kinds of folks to make a world, Magpie Simpkins was a specimen without a parallel."

(Ike introduces his partner, whose endless supply of foolish ideas drives the entire plot.)

"I’m Ike Harper, and I’ve been a suffering pardner to this long, gun-packing cross between a walking argument and a psychologist for years and years, and while I don’t change much in looks I’m breaking down internally at an alarming rate."

(Ike describes the toll taken on him by years of living with Magpie’s unpredictable nature.)

"The theory was sound, but the practise was insufferable."

(The Professor, emerging from a broken hearse in the middle of the woods, realizes that his academic ideals do not survive contact with reality.)

What It's Really About

At its core, this book is an argument against the pretension of urban intellectuals who believe they can treat the wilderness as a simple, romanticized playground. The characters who go to the woods seeking "vigor" or "Nature" are consistently thwarted by their own inability to handle basic reality. It explores the tension between the theoretical and the practical; the book mocks those who believe their credentials or their "theories" grant them control over a world that is inherently wild and indifferent to their plans. It is a story about the humbling power of a little bit of discomfort and the way pride—whether in one’s intellect or one’s ability to survive—is the fastest way to become the punchline of a joke.

Why Read It Today

Readers who enjoy the dry, observational humor of early 20th-century Western yarns will find much to admire here. The pacing is brisk, and the narrative voice—wry, self-deprecating, and tired—is a pleasure to inhabit. It feels like hearing a story told by a man who has seen too much and expects too little.

However, potential readers should be aware that the book reflects the period attitudes of 1918. The dialect and the casual, sometimes rough treatment of characters—including the derogatory mention of the Indigenous man, Runs-With-a-Wolf—are artifacts of the time. The humor relies heavily on the "foolishness" of the city folk and the constant, bickering, competitive nature of the men involved. It is not a polished, modern novel; it is a rough-hewn, episodic piece of entertainment that assumes the reader understands the conventions of the genre. If you can appreciate a story that doesn't take itself seriously and captures the spirit of a campfire tale, this book offers a funny, sharp look at the eternal conflict between human pride and the reality of the great outdoors. It is a brief, punchy read that captures the absurdity of the "back-to-nature" movement with a wink and a shrug.