Pigs is Pigs

In Short

This classic American humorous story follows Mike Flannery, a rule-bound express agent, and Mr. Morehouse, a frustrated customer, who refuse to agree on whether two guinea pigs are "pets" or "pigs." Their petty argument over a twenty-five-cent shipping difference escalates into an uncontrollable crisis as the prolific animals multiply by the thousands within the express office. A perennial favorite, the story has endured for over a century because it perfectly captures the comical, soul-crushing frustration of dealing with indifferent corporate bureaucracy and the unforeseen consequences of professional stubbornness.

The Story

The conflict begins in the small town of Westcote when Mr. Morehouse attempts to ship two guinea pigs to his son. Mike Flannery, the local agent for the Interurban Express Company, consults his rate book and insists on charging for "pigs" rather than "pets." Despite Morehouse’s protests that guinea pigs are not farm animals, Flannery stands his ground, citing a regulation that mandates the higher rate in cases of ambiguity. Morehouse, insulted and indignant, refuses to pay the extra ten cents, leaves the animals in Flannery’s custody, and storms off to lodge a formal complaint with the company’s president.

What follows is a slow-moving, agonizing chain of bureaucratic incompetence. Morehouse’s letters are shuffled between departments, each clerk ignoring the actual problem while demanding more paperwork. Meanwhile, in the back of the express office, the guinea pigs are left to their own devices. They do not remain two for long. As the months pass and the company’s higher-ups debate the zoological classification of the rodents, Flannery is forced to expand the cage to accommodate an ever-growing, ravenous population.

Flannery’s increasingly desperate letters to the home office—reporting totals that jump from eight to one hundred and sixty—are met with bureaucratic indifference or commands to "sell no pigs." By the time a professor in the Andes finally clarifies that guinea pigs are not technically pigs, the animals have numbered in the thousands. Flannery has converted his entire office into a multi-tiered warehouse, hired boys to help feed them, and spent his own money on cabbages.

When the company finally authorizes the original, cheaper rate, it is too late. Mr. Morehouse has moved away, leaving the company with a massive, multiplying inventory. In a final, frantic sequence, the main office demands the pigs be sent to the headquarters in Franklin. Flannery, now a man possessed, uses a coal scoop to shovel the rodents into crates, shipping them out by the hundreds. When a company inspector finally arrives to stop the madness, he finds Flannery shoveling the last of the herd into a wagon. Exhausted but triumphant, Flannery declares that, henceforth, every living creature—from lions to cows—will be classified as a "domestic pet" to avoid any further headaches. He concludes with a wry observation: the situation could have been far worse if he had been tasked with housing elephants.

How It Unfolds

The initial impasse Flannery and Morehouse argue over a fifteen-cent difference in shipping fees, with the agent stubbornly invoking a regulation that favors the company's profit. Morehouse, insulted by the agent’s refusal to acknowledge the nature of the animals, leaves the guinea pigs behind as a point of principle.

The cycle of bureaucracy Morehouse writes to the company president, but his request is trapped in a maze of departments that pass the buck rather than solving the problem. The company’s clerks prioritize signatures and stamps over the living cargo, while the guinea pigs continue to breed in total silence from the management.

The exponential explosion Flannery’s warnings about the growing population are treated as jokes or clerical errors by the staff in Franklin. As the office becomes a makeshift menagerie, Flannery is forced to abandon his regular duties to act as a full-time, unpaid zookeeper.

The final reckoning The company finally realizes the scale of the error and demands the shipment of thousands of animals to headquarters. Flannery performs a frantic, back-breaking cleanup, ending the ordeal with a new, simplified philosophy for his future work.

The People

Mike Flannery is the story’s anchor, a man who prides himself on his fidelity to the company’s rulebook. He is neither malicious nor greedy; he is simply a man who finds comfort in the absolute authority of printed regulations. His transformation is marked by the erosion of his professional composure—he shifts from a proud agent to a desperate, coal-scooping caretaker who eventually realizes that blind adherence to policy can destroy one’s sanity.

Mr. Morehouse serves as the perfect foil. He is an irritable, self-important man who believes he can crush any opposition with the weight of his own logic and indignation. He views the dispute as a matter of personal respect rather than a simple shipping error. By the end, his presence has faded entirely; he moves away, leaving his pet-related problems behind, while Flannery is the one who bears the physical and psychological toll of the dispute. They are two men trapped in their own rigidity, neither willing to yield an inch until the situation has grown entirely beyond their control.

In Its Own Voice

Flannery’s dedication to his perceived duties is absolute, even when those duties defy common sense.

“Rules is rules, Misther Morehouse, an' Mike Flannery's not goin' to be called down fer breakin' of thim.”

The escalation of the problem is captured in Flannery’s increasingly frantic updates to the indifferent headquarters staff.

“There be now one hundred sixty of them dago pigs, for heavens sake let me sell off some, do you want me to go crazy, what.”

Even after the ordeal is nearly finished, Flannery’s perspective on his job has been permanently altered by his experience.

“So long as Flannery runs this expriss office--pigs is pets--an' cows is pets--an' horses is pets--an' lions an' tigers an' Rocky Mountain goats is pets--an' the rate on thim is twinty-foive cints.”

What It's Really About

The central theme is the absurdity of inflexible bureaucratic systems. The story highlights the way organizations, when they become too large or too detached from the reality of their "cases," lose the ability to apply common sense. The "pigs is pigs" logic serves as a satirical jab at the legalism that often governs corporate and government entities. It raises the question of whether a rule should serve the organization or the human beings involved. Beneath the humor, there is a critique of a world where labels and classifications are prioritized over the actual, messy truth of the physical world, ultimately suggesting that when people become mere extensions of a machine, everything—even a simple box of pets—can turn into a disaster.

Why Read It Today

This story remains a sharp, hilarious read for anyone who has ever felt trapped by the "system." If you have ever been passed around by a customer service department or forced to navigate a labyrinth of contradictory company policies, you will find the plight of Mike Flannery both cathartic and deeply relatable. It reads with the brisk, rhythmic energy of a tall tale, making it a perfect short-form experience.

Readers should be aware that the story utilizes a phonetic Irish dialect for Flannery’s dialogue, which reflects the period’s common tropes. While this is meant to add a distinct, colorful voice to the character, it can occasionally require a moment of patience to parse. Additionally, the story operates within the context of early 20th-century American life, where the expectations of public service and corporate accountability were markedly different from today. Despite these period-specific elements, the core frustration of the "runaround"—the feeling of shouting into a void of paperwork while a problem grows out of control—is timeless. It is a brief, punchy, and ultimately light-hearted reminder that sometimes, the best way to handle a rigid system is to simply invent your own set of rules before the chaos takes over.