Police!!!

In Short

Robert W. Chambers's Police!!! gathers six satirical novellas following a single narrating scientist through absurd expeditions across North America. An endlessly self-deluded botanist and zoologist from the Bronx Park institution sets out to document impossible discoveries—from elusive cave-dwellings and frozen mammoths to glowing prehistoric worms and rare tropical moths—while courting every young woman in sight. Instead of making grand discoveries, his pomposity routinely derails his missions, leading to comic disasters, romantic rivalries, and wild chases. Chambers lampoons both the rigid scientific establishments of his era and the era's grand literary adventures with sharp, lighthearted parody.

The Story

The book traces the misadventures of a thoroughly unreliable narrator, a self-important scientist associated with the Bronx Zoological Gardens. Equipped with boundless vanity and absolute blind spots regarding his own ineptitude, he stumbles from one ill-conceived expedition into another. His journeys begin in the Florida Keys on Sting-ray Key, where he attempts to manage a field expedition alongside his hand-picked crew, including a handsome rival named Professor William Kemper, a questionable guide named Grue, and a attractive young waitress, Evelyn Grey. The narrator remains convinced of his own intellectual superiority even as romantic friction and mysterious occurrences undermine his authority.

Driven out of Florida after encounters with scheming con-men like Mr. Mink, who attempt to sell him on fake cave-dwellings and underwater land schemes, the narrator moves on to even more grandiose pursuits. He helps organize an expedition funded by an array of vocal reformers, including prominent suffragists and moral league leaders—referred to collectively as the "heavy artillery"—alongside a single young nurse, Angelica White. Deep in the wilderness near Lake Susan W. Pillsbury, the expedition's calm is shattered when a monstrous aquatic creature leaps from the water, terrifying the reformers and throwing the entire party into chaotic retreat while the narrator competes fruitlessly for the nurse's affections.

His travels next lead him toward Baffin Land alongside fellow scientists Dr. Fooss and Lezard. Intent on sabotaging a rival academic, Professor Jane Bottomly, by planting a fake discovery, the narrator accidentally stumbles upon a real, frozen woolly mammoth locked in the glacial ice. The group scrambles with dynamite and spades to unearth the specimen before their rivals can claim it, only to end up accidentally securing the rival’s global scientific renown instead. Undeterred, the narrator journeys onward to a remote volcanic region where he meets an eccentric artist named Blythe and his daughter, Wilna. High upon the slopes, he witnesses extraordinary, asbestos-furred creatures that thrive directly inside the volcanic fire, only for the entire crater to cave in and bury the discovery under billions of tons of earth, leaving him empty-handed once more as Wilna runs into the arms of a younger suitor.

Returning at last to his administrative office at Bronx Park, the narrator finds himself caught between two warring entomologists, Dr. Silas Quint and Professor Boomly, who are locked in a bitter rivalry over a rare caterpillar species. Amid the chaos of hidden leaves, flying fists, and hidden specimens under office sofas, the narrator tries to romance a young colleague, Mildred, only to realize that yet another assistant has quietly won her heart. He lights a cigarette, accepts his professional and romantic defeats, and looks on as the wild academic world moves past him.

How It Unfolds

A strange launch in Florida The narrator anchors off Sting-ray Key with a pretty waitress and a handsome rival, trying to maintain scientific focus while suspecting his strange guide, Grue, of secretly murdering local wildlife.

Con-men and cave ladies Lured by a shifty swindler into searching for living primitive cave-dwellers, the narrator sets up camera equipment behind coquina rocks, only to realize he has paid good money for a total hoax.

Terror on the lake Leading a band of stern social reformers into the northern woods, the expedition is paralyzed with fear when a creature the size of a sleeping car erupts out of the water in a blinding spray.

The glacial blunder Attempting to ruin a rival's reputation in Baffin Land with a fake fossil scheme, the narrator accidentally unearths a real frozen mammoth and blows up the ice with dynamite, handing his enemy absolute glory.

Fire-beasts in the crater On a remote mountain slope, the narrator captures an icy, asbestos-furred creature that lives inside burning embers, but a catastrophic landslide swallows the entire crater before he can present any proof.

The battle of Bronx Park Back at his office, the narrator tries to mediate a fistfight between two middle-aged bug collectors hid under furniture while losing his final romantic interest to a younger rival.

The People

• The Narrator (Mr. Smith): A ridiculously pompous Bronx Park scientist who believes he is irrevocably wedded to his profession. He constantly misreads the romantic intentions of the women around him and remains entirely blind to his own incompetence.
• Professor William Kemper: A handsome, dashing fellow academic whose effortless charm and easy manner around women immediately irritate the cold, rigid narrator during their southern coastal expedition.
• Evelyn Grey: A pretty, observant young woman employed on the Sting-ray Key expedition who manages to handle both the scientific rivalries and the mysterious guide with calm detachment.
• Grue / Mr. Mink: Shifty beachcombers and small-time con artists who exploit the narrator's desperation for scientific fame by selling him absurd stories of hidden beasts and prehistoric encounters.
• Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt: The formidable leader of the eugenic and purity leagues who demands immediate service in the wilderness and has zero tolerance for failed scientific expeditions.
• Angelica White: A young nurse who joins the wilderness expedition, maintaining a quiet demeanor while expertly steering clear of the narrator's awkward romantic advances.
• Professor Jane Bottomly: A fierce, commanding rival scientist who continually manages to reap the glory of major paleontological breakthroughs, much to the narrator's bitter frustration.
• Wilna Blythe: The gentle daughter of an eccentric painter living near a volcanic field, whose pity for the narrator's frost-bitten hands is mistaken for romantic affection.

In Its Own Voice

"Truth is mighty and must prevail, Otherwise it were inadvisable to tell the tale."

The narrator reflects on his brief foray into poetry, insisting that his strict devotion to scientific fact forces him to write with absolute precision.

"A cage to craze and stifle and stun / And a fat man feeding a penny bun / And a she-one giggling, 'Ain't it grand!'"

A verse from the foreword lamenting the sad, unnatural captivity of wild animals kept in public zoological exhibits.

"To me a nasturtium by the river brink is more than a simple flower. It is a broader, grander, more magnificent, more stupendous symbol."

The narrator attempts to offer a flattering interpretation of an artist's disastrous, red-smeared canvas during his journey to the crater.

What It's Really About

Beneath its slapstick encounters and absurd monster hunts, Police!!! satirizes the intellectual vanity of the early twentieth-century scientific establishment. Chambers mocks the ego-driven motives of academics who care far more about personal fame, Carnegie medals, and defeating their rivals than about actual truth or discovery. The book also pokes lighthearted fun at the period's social movements—from eugenics groups to suffrage societies—by placing their high-minded leaders in chaotic, uncomfortable wilderness settings where their authority completely breaks down. Ultimately, the stories show how easily grand professional ambition can be blinded by simple human foolishness and unrequited romantic vanity.

Why Read It Today

Readers who enjoy dry, deadpan satirical humor will find Police!!! to be a surprisingly fresh and entertaining vintage comedy. The book reads like a series of absurd comedic sketches, carrying a light, breezy pace that contrasts nicely with the grand, serious adventure novels of its era.

While the humor relies heavily on period tropes, exaggerated academic jargon, and occasional social stereotypes of the 1910s, the narrator's utter lack of self-awareness feels timelessly funny. His confidence never wavers, even when he is fleeing from angry citizens, getting tricked by small-time grifters, or watching his romantic hopes vanish before his eyes. It is a delightful, lightweight read for anyone who appreciates classic satirical parodies of academic pomposity.