The Choise of Valentines

In Short

Thomas Nash’s The Choise of Valentines is a Elizabethan erotic poem detailing a young man’s romantic misadventure. Seeking his lover Francis in London, he finds she has fled local authorities by taking refuge in a brothel. After paying the madam, he joins Francis for an intimate encounter, only to suffer performance anxiety and premature exhaustion. Unfulfilled, Francis turns to a mechanical dildo, prompting a dramatic tirade from her lover. The text survives as a rare, explicit example of the underground "unedifying toys" produced by destitute Elizabethan writers catering to wealthy patrons.

The Story

On a bright February morning, young men set out early to find their valentines for the coming seasonal festivities. Among them, a young man named Tomalin travels like a pilgrim to visit his beloved Francis. Upon arriving at her usual dwelling, he discovers to his dismay that she is no longer there. A harsh local magistrate, Justice Dudgeon-haft, has raided the premises with armed men, forcing Francis to flee for sanctuary to a nearby house of prostitution.

Determined to see her, Tomalin approaches the establishment and boldly inquires if any women are available for hire. A stout, three-chinned madam greets him at the door. Before allowing him entry to her "oratory," she insists on receiving an upfront payment. Once he pays the required fee, the hostess unlocks the door and leads him through winding, shadowy passages into an upper room where two young women are presented for his selection. Finding neither to be his preferred lady, Tomalin offers additional payment in gold to see Francis specifically. Enticed by the money, the madam quickly fetches her.

Francis enters the chamber in fine silks and May-like attire. She welcomes Tomalin warmly, calling him her "lambkin" and explaining that she sought refuge in the brothel purely to avoid legal trouble and harsh weather, maintaining that he remains her only true love. The two embrace and retire to the bed.

As they begin to engage, Tomalin is suddenly overcome with performance anxiety and loses his physical arousal. Francis gently attempts to revive his spirits and body through affection and care, successfully bringing him back to full vigor. The two engage in a passionate encounter, timing their movements in harmony until they reach a climax.

However, Tomalin's stamina rapidly wanes, leaving him completely spent and unable to continue. Despite Francis's pleas for him to hold on for just a bit longer, Tomalin's energy is entirely exhausted. Frustrated by his inability to satisfy her further, Francis casts aside her faint-hearted lover and retrieves a artificial surrogate—a rigid dildo made of smooth glass or wrapped in velvet. She praises the instrument for its reliable stiffness, noting that it never tires or causes an unintended pregnancy. Tomalin looks on, offering a fiery critique of this artificial rival while lamenting his own physical limitations, before concluding his tale and asking his audience for understanding.

How It Unfolds

The morning search On Valentine's Day morning, young men venture out to find partners for spring dances and country fairs. Tomalin seeks out his beloved Francis, but finds her missing from her customary home.

Flight to sanctuary A local magistrate has chased Francis away with weapons and staff-bearing officers. To escape the raid, she takes refuge inside a local brothel.

Paying the madam Tomalin locates the brothel and bargains with a heavy-set hostess for entry. After paying an upfront fee, he is led through narrow passages into a private chamber.

The grand entrance Dissatisfied with the first options offered, Tomalin pays ten gold pieces to request Francis specifically. She arrives rustling in rich silks and velvet gowns, greeting him affectionately.

An unexpected setback Upon lying down together, Tomalin is overcome by sudden physical failure and anxiety. Francis gently coaxes him back to readiness with patient attention.

The shared climax Re-energized, Tomalin and Francis engage in a passionate exchange, keeping precise time together until their mutual delight peaks.

A sudden collapse Tomalin's strength vanishes almost immediately after, leaving him completely drained despite Francis's entreaties for a brief extension.

The mechanical rival Unsatisfied by her partner's swift decline, Francis turns to a dildo to finish her pleasure. Tomalin closes the poem with a lengthy rant against the device, admitting his own physical defeat.

The People

• Tomalin: A passionate young man who seeks out his partner on Valentine's Day. Driven by desire and initial confidence, he readily spends his money at the brothel, but his physical endurance ultimately fails him when his lover requires more than he can supply.
• Francis: Tomalin's mistress, who has fled to a brothel to escape a magistrate's raid. Charming, demanding, and practical, she values her own physical satisfaction above romantic devotion and unhesitatingly adopts a mechanical substitute when her partner grows exhausted.
• The Hostess: A sharp, three-chinned madam who manages the brothel. She is strictly business-minded, refusing entry to any customer without prior payment and charging high fees for her most sought-after women.
• Justice Dudgeon-haft: The local magistrate whose strict enforcement drives Francis from her residence into hiding, initiating the plot.

In Its Own Voice

"I went, poore pilgrime, to my ladies shrine, / To see if she would be my valentine;"

The narrator describes his initial journey to find Francis on Valentine's Day morning before discovering her displacement.

"For shelter onelie, sweete heart, came I hither, / And to auoide the troblous stormie weather;"

Francis reassures Tomalin upon his arrival at the brothel, claiming her presence there is purely a temporary measure to evade the authorities.

"Adieu! faint-hearted instrument of lust; / That falselie hath betrayde our equale trust."

Francis addresses her partner's sudden failure of stamina after his strength gives out prematurely during their encounter.

What It's Really About

The Choise of Valentines explores the fragile nature of male sexual pride and the stark gap between romantic ideals and physical realities. Through its absurd progression—moving from pastoral Valentine's traditions to the commercial transaction of a brothel—the poem satirizes the grand courtly love poetry of the Elizabethan era. Nash strips away idealized poetic conventions to focus on bodily limits, female sexual agency, and performance anxiety. Underneath the explicit humor lies a stark reflection of economic necessity, highlighting both the commercialized nature of urban romance and the precarious position of destitute writers forced to produce illicit, entertaining verse for wealthy gentlemen patrons.

Why Read It Today

The Choise of Valentines offers a rare, uncensored glimpse into the underground humor and illicit street culture of Elizabethan London. Readers interested in early modern literature, social history, or unvarnished comedy will appreciate its bold subversion of traditional courtly love poetry. Rather than presenting abstract ideals, Thomas Nash writes with energetic rhythm, rapid pacing, and a direct, theatrical sense of narrative drive.

The poem presents distinct historical difficulties for modern readers. The language features archaic early modern vocabulary, regional slang, and obscure cant terms specific to sixteenth-century brothels and street culture. Furthermore, its unabashedly explicit content and crude humor reflect period attitudes toward sex and gender that are aggressive and unrefined. The work is brief, reading more like an extended ballad or verse tale than a formal epic, but its historical value is substantial. It survives as one of the few extant examples of illicit, hand-circulated Elizabethan erotic verse, revealing the informal, raucous side of an era more commonly remembered for polished sonnets and high drama.