The Fastest Gun Dead

In Short

This story follows the transformation of Jacob Niedelmeier, a pathetic, failed shop clerk in a dusty frontier town, into "Dirty Jake," a lethal gunslinger. His rise is fueled by a bizarre, non-human weapon he discovers in a mountain grotto—a device that telepathically anticipates a killer's intent and fires before they can even draw. By blending the conventions of a classic Western with elements of cosmic horror and early science fiction, the narrative explores the hollow nature of celebrity and the inevitable, cold-blooded replacement of one legend by the next.

The Story

The tale begins in the small, unremarkable town of Dos Cervezas Pequenas, where Hiram Pertwee, a cynical physician, observes the arrival of Jacob Niedelmeier. A scrawny, unsuccessful man from New Jersey, Jacob spends seventeen years working at a mercantile, nursing a deep, unspoken resentment toward the world. Seeking to escape his mundane existence, he begins wandering the surrounding hills. During one of their rare, taciturn outings, Pertwee and Jacob discover an amphitheater of stone containing four skeletons: three Indians and one non-human entity clutching an object resembling an umbrella handle.

When Jacob attempts to desecrate the alien remains, the weapon suddenly flies into his hand, humming with intent. Pertwee realizes the device is an advanced, perhaps extraterrestrial, piece of technology that functions by sensing the electrical signals a human brain transmits before a voluntary movement. It reads "killing-mad" thoughts and fires instantly, aimed precisely at the brain’s motor cortex. Recognizing the potential for profit, Pertwee convinces the terrified Jacob to use the weapon, planning to later display the "fastest draw in the West" on the vaudeville circuit.

Jacob adopts the persona of "Dirty Jake," a fearsome, dapper gunfighter who leaves a trail of corpses across the Territory. He kills with impunity, as no opponent can outdraw a gun that fires the moment they intend to pull their trigger. Yet, the fame he craves is empty. He returns to Pertwee months later, haggard and desperate, his glove holding the weapon worn to tatters. Fearing he will lose his edge—and his life—during a moment of hesitation, he forces Pertwee to surgically implant the device’s triggering mechanism directly into his hand.

The ending is as clinical and inevitable as a medical procedure. Armed with his new, permanent advantage, Jake marches back into town, confident and unchallenged. However, his reign is cut short when he is gunned down by an unknown assailant—a man known only as "Lefty"—who strikes before Jake can react. As Jake lies dead, the physician’s perspective shifts from morbid curiosity to cold, professional opportunism. Pertwee realizes that the weapon’s cycle is merely a matter of odds and mechanics. He begins planning his departure for the East, intending to exhibit the remains of his former friend as "Mr. Bones," the fastest cadaver in the West, having effectively commodified the violence he once helped cultivate.

How It Unfolds

The discovery in the hills Driven by wanderlust and social isolation, the physician and the clerk find a desolate crater containing non-human bones. They encounter an alien weapon that hums to life, displaying a lethal, autonomous speed that terrifies them both.

The theory of lethal intent Pertwee deduces the weapon's function by studying the skulls of the dead Indians, realizing it acts as an electrical detector for murderous intent. He treats the device like a medical puzzle, theorizing that it intercepts the brain's telegraphic signals to the body’s nerves.

The rise of a legend Jacob assumes the identity of Dirty Jake, using the weapon to systematically eliminate any rival who dares to challenge him. He gains the success and notoriety he craved, yet he remains a hollow figure, increasingly paranoid and dependent on the device.

The surgical gamble Fearing the instability of his worn-out glove, Jake demands that Pertwee graft the weapon's trigger into his own flesh. This act of desperation marks the final loss of his humanity, turning his body into a permanent, integrated component of the killing machine.

The cycle resets Jake is killed by an unknown rival, proving that the weapon’s speed cannot protect against the inherent uncertainty of human conflict. Pertwee, undeterred by the death of his associate, views the cycle as a business opportunity and prepares to market the aftermath.

The People

Hiram Pertwee is the narrator, a detached, pragmatic doctor who values his own comfort and scientific curiosity above human connection. He views the people around him with thinly veiled contempt, finding the "sick smell" of his profession a burden he only escapes through the company of the similarly silent or the quiet of the night.

Jacob Niedelmeier begins as a pathetic "ribbon clerk," a man defined by failure and long-standing bitterness. His desire for respect leads him to embrace a persona of violence that he is not naturally equipped to sustain. His transformation from a timid shopkeeper into the legendary "Dirty Jake" is a desperate attempt to force the world to acknowledge him, yet he ends his life as a broken, paranoid shell of a man who ultimately becomes the very thing he sought to master: a specimen.

Ham Head Cavanaugh and the various victims of the weapon function as symbols of the Territory’s inherent violence. They are defined by their quickness to anger and their reliance on traditional, slow-loading revolvers, making them fodder for the superior, alien technology that Jake wields.

In Its Own Voice

Describing the bizarre, non-human remains found in the mountain amphitheater, the narrator captures the unsettling nature of the discovery:

It was more or less man-shaped. But it wasn't a man, that I know. I don't believe I care to find out what it was.

Reflecting on the weapon’s terrifying capability to anticipate a lethal action before it occurs, the narrator notes:

If I hadn't braced my index finger out stiff, that fifteenth time would've had him a dead man.

What It's Really About

The book explores the dehumanizing nature of power and the cold, mechanical reality of human violence. By introducing a "perfect" weapon, the story strips away the myth of the heroic Western gunslinger, replacing it with a grim argument that speed and lethality are merely functions of timing and biology. There is no moral triumph here; the weapon is indifferent to the morality of its wielder, and the physician is equally indifferent to the death of his friend. The narrative suggests that fame and legendary status are fragile, hollow pursuits that inevitably lead to a violent end, as the world is always waiting for the next "fastest" successor to step forward.

Why Read It Today

Readers who appreciate a lean, unsentimental prose style will find this story compelling. It feels like a campfire tale told by someone who has seen too much and expects too little from humanity. There is a distinct, dark humor in the way the narrator treats the discovery of alien technology with the same weary annoyance he might reserve for a difficult patient or a stubborn boil.

The story remains effective because it refuses to romanticize its subject. The atmosphere is thick with the dust of the frontier, yet the intrusion of the "umbrella handle" weapon creates a jarring, surreal contrast that keeps the pacing tight and the tension high. One should be prepared for the period-typical, casual disregard for human life and the occasional use of derogatory language from the characters, which reflects the harsh, isolated setting of the story. Ultimately, the book stays with you because of its chillingly practical ending: the doctor’s realization that even the death of a "legend" is just another event to be managed, packaged, and sold. It is a cynical, sharp-edged story that captures the dark side of American ambition, proving that even a man who can kill with a thought is destined to be forgotten once the next, faster killer arrives.