The Madness of Mr. Lister: Captains All, Book 9

In Short

This humorous yarn centers on two insufferable men—a stingy, manipulative sailor named Jem Lister and a covetous cook—who attempt to swindle one another. Set among the crew of the Susannah, the story showcases the author’s mastery of sharp, vernacular wit and the absurd consequences of greed. It endures as a quintessential example of early 20th-century English river life fiction, capturing a specific world of docks, public houses, and men whose primary ambition is to outsmart their shipmates through elaborate, often hilarious, psychological warfare.

The Story

The story begins with the crew of the Susannah at their wits' end regarding Jem Lister, an elderly, miserly sailor whose habit of cadging drinks—while hoarding his own money—is a stain on the ship’s reputation. Led by the aggressive Bill Henshaw, the crew forces Lister to stop his panhandling. Under pressure, Lister briefly reforms, but his true nature resurfaces when a new, equally avaricious cook arrives. Sensing a kindred spirit, Lister draws the cook into his confidence. He fabricates a pathetic tale about a terminal illness, claiming he has only two years to live and no relatives to inherit his substantial savings.

The cook, blinded by the prospect of an inheritance, forms a bizarre, sycophantic alliance with the old man. Lister seals the ruse by drafting a will naming the cook as his sole beneficiary. For six months, the cook plays the role of a devoted, caretaking son, hoping to ensure his windfall. However, the arrangement sours when the cook realizes Lister is as stingy as ever and discovers that a new will can easily override the old one. Desperate to protect his investment, the cook decides to play upon Lister’s earlier lies. He begins to hint that he has been surreptitiously adding poison to Lister’s food, suggesting that it would be a mercy to help the "dying" man along.

Lister, terrified that his own deceit has turned against him, is manipulated into paying the cook for "antidotes"—actually nothing more than teething powder. When the rest of the crew learns of the "poisoning" and finds Lister behaving erratically, they convince the panicked cook that the old man has gone completely insane. They claim Lister is hiding in the captain’s bunk, laughing and crying in a fit of madness. Desperate to avoid a scandal, the cook is goaded into "securing" the crazed sailor. He sneaks into the cabin, sacks the snoring occupant, and engages in a grueling, slapstick struggle to drag the thrashing bundle out of the ship.

The ordeal reaches its climax when the cook, exhausted and panting, is confronted by the ship’s mate. The mate reveals that the real Jem Lister is sitting safely on the fore-hatch. The cook pulls the sack off his captive, only to reveal the furious, purple-faced captain of the Susannah. Realizing his mistake, the cook flees the ship in terror. The story ends with the captain, perhaps finding a grim sense of humor in the betrayal, sending the original instigator, Lister, to find his missing companion.

How It Unfolds

The social pressure The crew of the Susannah confronts the penurious Jem Lister, demanding he stop his shameful practice of begging for drinks. Through a mixture of threats and verbal abuse, they force the miser to start spending his own money.

A predatory alliance A new, greedy cook joins the ship and finds an easy mark in Lister, who begins to pose as a terminally ill man looking for an heir. The cook, eager to secure a fortune, pledges his loyalty in exchange for a place in Lister's will.

The tables turn The cook realizes the inheritance is not guaranteed and decides to terrorize Lister by suggesting that he is being slowly poisoned. He successfully extorts money from the fearful old man for useless "cures."

The trap is set The crew, playing on the cook's anxiety, convinces him that Lister has gone mad and is hiding in the captain’s cabin. They goad the cook into subduing the "madman" to hide the evidence of his supposed poisoning.

The final discovery The cook drags a sack out of the captain's bunk, only to discover he has kidnapped the captain himself. The revelation forces the cook to flee, leaving Lister behind to answer for the chaos.

The People

Jem Lister is the catalyst of the conflict, a man defined by a toxic blend of alcoholism and extreme avarice. He is a master of the "propitiatory smile," using feigned weakness and fabricated tragedy to manipulate those around him. He remains remarkably consistent, surviving the chaos he creates by shifting the burden onto others.

The cook serves as the perfect foil—an opportunistic, cadaverous young man whose greed is matched only by his gullibility. While he initially seems like a predator, he is quickly outmaneuvered by his own desire for wealth. His eventual flight from the ship marks the total collapse of his ambition.

Bill Henshaw acts as the de facto leader of the crew. He is characterized by a violent, blustering sense of justice. He serves as the architect of the final prank, orchestrating the cook’s downfall with a cruel, detached amusement.

The captain, though he appears only at the very end, is the ultimate victim of the crew’s collective mischief. His presence serves as the "sober" reality that crashes into the cook’s delusional, self-interested world, effectively ending the charade.

In Its Own Voice

"Many a healthy thirst reared on salt beef and tickled with strong tobacco had been spoiled by the sight of Mr. Lister standing by the entrance, with a propitiatory smile, waiting to be invited in to share it."

The narrator describes the crew’s frustration with Lister’s persistent and shameless habit of begging for drinks.

"In plain black and white and nondescript-coloured finger-marks, Mr. Lister, after a general statement as to his bodily and mental health, left the whole of his estate to the cook."

The author details the moment the cook becomes convinced of his future wealth, marking the beginning of their ill-fated alliance.

"In the exciting time which followed, he had more than one reason for thinking that he had caught a centipede."

The narrator dryly characterizes the violent, thrashing struggle of the cook as he attempts to drag the captain, trapped in a sack, out of the cabin.

What It's Really About

The central theme is the circularity of greed. Both Lister and the cook are consumed by a desire to gain something for nothing, and the story argues that such characters are destined to be hoisted by their own petards. The book examines the social friction caused by those who violate the unspoken codes of a community—in this case, the maritime expectation of shared camaraderie and mutual support. By placing these two misers in a confined space, the narrative explores the limits of human duplicity. Ultimately, it suggests that greed is not just a moral failing but a source of profound, inevitable absurdity, as the characters’ attempts to cheat the system only lead them deeper into a trap of their own making.

Why Read It Today

Readers who enjoy the brisk, witty, and slightly cynical tone of early 20th-century British humor will find much to admire here. The narrative style is reminiscent of a well-told pub story—efficient, character-driven, and punctuated by sharp, rhythmic dialogue. The colloquial, late-Victorian and Edwardian dockside dialect adds a distinct flavor that helps immerse the reader in the world of the Susannah.

However, modern readers should be prepared for the period’s casual acceptance of harsh, sometimes cruel, pranks. The characters are not particularly likable, and the "humor" often arises from the genuine suffering or entrapment of others. If you have little patience for stories where every single character is motivated by base, selfish desires, the book may feel cold. Yet, there is a undeniable craft in how the author builds the tension, using the cook’s own panic to lead him into an impossible situation. The prose is clean and precise, never wasting a word, which makes the rapid escalation of the final scene particularly satisfying. It is a brief, punchy read that serves as a reminder that the oldest, simplest human vices often provide the most enduring material for comedy.